Setting boundaries is a big topic, one that deserves a lot of attention, and means a lot to me personally, because I used to never do it. But now, I consider it my #1 strategy to remaining calm and maintaining focus so that I don’t take on anyone else’s issues that aren’t mine to take on.
I don’t just mean setting boundaries with others either because sometimes it means setting them with ourselves too which can lead to self-abusive behaviors including those with food if not properly addressed.
We can be so abusive to ourselves and our bodies in so many ways that the first place to start when it comes to setting appropriate boundaries might just be with the person you spend the most time with day in and day out, which would be yourself.
How often do you look in the mirror and not like what you see, so you proceed to go on a tirade about how ugly you are, how fat you are, or how hopeless you are?
How many times do you dis-empower yourself by telling yourself that you’re worthless, weak and lack enough willpower to lose weight, or do anything else for that matter?
Why do we become the target of our own unhappiness and dissatisfaction with ourselves?
To make matters worse, we let others do it too.
I work with a lot of women who let their significant other, mom, ex-husband, son, daughter, dad, boss or dog manipulate them into believing that they should take responsibility for problems that aren’t theirs to take responsibility for, but they do it anyways.
Then they binge eat, overeat, smoke, gamble, drink, do drugs, or indulge in any other form of self-destructive behavior they can think of to relieve their stress. Fortunately it backfires every time because instead of relieving stress, it adds more stress, in the form of overspending, arguing, and excess fat, which really gets their attention like nothing else will.
But because they fail to solve the problem – the one that’s not theirs to solve in the first place – they deduce they’re a failure and turn on themselves by using abusive language and substances, and attempt to use food to fix a situation that food can’t fix.
I know very few people who are able to set and keep boundaries successfully. Setting the boundary isn’t the problem, it’s keeping the boundary that is, because they usually set them and then cave out of fear of not being liked, encountering conflict, or being called a bitch, even if it’s killing them inside and their resentment keeps building.
This doesn’t just apply to personal relationships mind you, but professional ones as well. The best way for companies to retain employees is by threatening them with their jobs, convincing them into thinking that working late, working unpaid overtime, or working themselves sick is a standard part of collecting a paycheck and should just be tolerated.
So they do, and then they get fat and can’t lose weight, all because they’re trying to satisfy someone else instead of trying to satisfy themselves.
For some women, this will never change, but for others, it will. There are a lot of women who are tired of allowing themselves to be suppressed and regardless of the risk, they’re ready to stand up for themselves, which begins with setting boundaries in their lives with the people that are so used to crossing them.
To set a solid boundary, follow these 3 simple steps:
- Have a chat with the offending party and explain, without judgement, that although you’re always willing to help, that they must first help themselves, and as is the case with you, they need to accept full responsibility for any issues that arise in their lives, no matter whether they’re good or bad, and more so, it’s imperative that they take ownership of their feelings regardless of how you or anyone else chooses to react to them. In other words, you can’t save them, and if they attempt to turn their problems over to you to fix them, it’s a lose-lose situation all around.
- Next, it’s important that you explain to them how their behavior effects you. If you feel responsible for someone else, it’s only natural that it will show up in out-of-control behavior on your part because there is literally nothing you can do to change them or fix whatever needs fixing in their lives, but because you want to, you try to, and without realizing it, you take on responsibility that doesn’t belong to you and you have no business being involved with. It’s actually incredibly disrespectful to now allow another person to handle their own affairs, so for your sake and theirs, butt out!
- Once you’ve set the boundary, leave it alone. If you find yourself back in your old behavior of trying to fix things, or you notice them trying to coax you back into it, you need to reinstate the boundary, except this time, you don’t need to explain it. You only need to do that once, and from there, it’s up to them to be responsible enough to remember it and respect it.
All of this can be said in a safe, loving way, so that no one feels upset, angry, or isolated, but expect the dynamics of the relationship to change, which will be off putting to the other party. Maintaining your ground will be key to enforcing your boundary.
Once you do though, you’ll begin to release toxic emotions that get stored in fat tissue, and losing weight becomes a natural side effect.
I’m on a mission to effectively shift millions of women away from the old paradigm of losing weight, treating disease, and managing their overall health to a naturally sustainable model of self-care that supports their innate craving for nurturing, attention and relaxation while still functioning as top level performers.
If you’re ready to Get Calm, Clear and Confident by Losing BIG, then CLICK HERE to apply for a life-changing, complimentary one-on-one coaching consultation with me to determine how.